


all your lights are red, but I'm green to go

by awkwardrainbow



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Exes, F/F, Fluff, Happy Ending, Healing, Like LOTS of angst, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up, Slow Burn, accident au, falling back in love, sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:27:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22641037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardrainbow/pseuds/awkwardrainbow
Summary: Lexa had not been back even a week before her past was greeting her at the door. Or in this case, the form of a phone call from the hospital. Lexa will wonder if on any other circumstance they would have come together again to mend what has broken and has been broken and can even seem irreparable, or if it was all due to that very phone call and Clarke’s considerable amount of stubbornness. Lexa can think destiny is stupid and fate is shit all she wants but it is those things that leave her lying in wait, in a hospital chair, filling out forms on Clarke’s behalf because Clarke had forgotten, or hadn’t wanted, to change who her emergency contact was.It is that simple moment that crumbles an entire year apart and forces the both of them to come out of a standstill that the year before them has drown them in. As Clarke heals from physical wounds and Lexa aids her, they’ll both have to acknowledge their own realities and have to find a way to heal the pain they had been trying their hardest to ignore. But will healing their pain be enough to repair the love once lost there?
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 43
Kudos: 324





	1. Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there. :) I apologize ahead of time for what this fic is going to put you through. 
> 
> I'm not actually sorry, 
> 
> enjoy.
> 
> And make sure to check out the accompanying social media au to this fic [here](https://twitter.com/elizaatrash/status/1225759226263457793)  
> by @elizaatrash

Lexa is not a firm believer in destiny. She never really has been and even as her phone rings at 7:52 P.M. on a Saturday, three exact days after she’s moved back to her hometown into her new apartment building, she’d still say it was something else. That fate is bullshit and destiny is a fairytale. At least, the last year has turned her quite bitter to such ideals.

The fact that she had been back only three days and was just returning to her apartment after a long dinner with her little brother and uncle she’ll entirely ignore in the future. Because it was the perfect time for them to call her for such and unfortunate situation.

Not that she had known right away why the hospital was lighting up her phone, no she had stared at it for far too long going through the list of people they might call her for and crossing them out. Like Anya or Raven but she had just gotten off the phone with them as she was walking into her new, still fairly unfurnished apartment, and they had been bickering like they were already married on the other line.

Not Aden because she had just seen him and her uncle and had just previous received a text from said uncle that implied that they had gotten home safe. Neither of them looked sick and there hasn’t been enough time between dinner and her uncle’s last text for something to have gone wrong.

She wasn’t the first person she thought about but the third, and even then, she thought why would it be about her? She would have changed her emergency contact by now, it’s been almost an entire year since they’ve even spoken to each other. It would be unreasonable that it would be for her but also… there is no one else that would warrant a call from the hospital.

So, when Lexa’s finally sliding over her thumb on the touch screen to answer the call just as it’s about to go to her voicemail, she prays to anyone listening in on her thoughts that it’s just a misdial, a wrong number.

It’s not.

“Hello?” She answers hesitantly, just as anyone receiving a call from the hospital probably is going to sound. But she can feel it, this is no misdial. Something in her gut twists before whoever is on the other end can even respond to her.

“Lexa Woods?” They try and clarify and Lexa hates that it’s her name coming from this woman on the other line, about to give her news she can feel is only going to make her want to throw up her dinner.

“Yes?” She says as she swallows down nerves that begin to travel from the twist of her stomach to her chest.

“We have you down as Clarke Griffin’s emergency contact?” Her voice is so calm but not sincere like they do when they’re telling you when someone is dead so Lexa’s trying not to think about that possibility.

Her free hand is noticeably shaking so she stuffs it into the pocket of her jeans to try and hide it as if the person on the other line can even see her. “What happened to her?” Maybe it’s still a mistake, maybe it’s routine, maybe it’s something else completely harmless.

“We’re going to need you to come down here to Arkadia Hospital straight away if you’re close by.” Her voice sounds too calm as she dodges the asked question and Lexa knows this is serious because if it wasn’t, they would have said something else.

They wouldn’t need her to come down. “I can be there in 30 minutes.” She’s already shuffling to grab the keys she had thrown onto an empty countertop just mere minutes prior to answering this phone call, her wallet too, and speeding out of her front door.

“Ms. Griffin is presently unable to make any decisions for herself so when you get here just head to the 3rd floor right away and check in at the front desk there, alright?” The woman’s calm tone is only starting to make Lexa’s nerves go entirely crazy.

If she wasn’t so good at conceal such things “okay” wouldn’t come out of her mouth as calmly as it does in response.

“We’ll see you soon.” She says and the call ends and Lexa is left only with her thoughts and worries that something truly awful has happened to Clarke, and the last thing she would have said to the only girl she’s ever loved is “leave me alone.”

***

The ride feels much longer than it actually is. A flurry of streetlights move in slow motion even as the Uber she’s in speeds by a practically empty street. The fact that there’s no traffic in a city so busy at this very moment is either a cruel twist from the concept of fate, or another fortunate coincidence.

At least, as fortunate of a coincidence as you can get for such unfortunate circumstances. Her Uber driver doesn’t speak to her at all except for when she’s getting out of the car at the sight of a far too tall building and florescent lighting. “I hope everything is alright.” They offer kindly and if Lexa was in a better state of mind, she might have returned the offered smile but all she can do is nod and shut the door.

She doesn’t even watch the uber take off, grateful that she had made it here in nineteen minutes and thirty-two seconds rather than the initial thirty she had stated beforehand. Not that getting here sooner could change a grim outcome but she still has so little information and she’s refusing to see Clarke as pretty much dead until someone tells her otherwise.

She can’t be dead, it just… wouldn’t be right. There is not a world that could still turn without Clarke Griffin walking around somewhere on it, so no, she can’t be dead. She just can’t.

She speeds her way up to the third floor, skipping the elevator and taking the tucked away stairs so that she looks practically frantic when she final makes it there. She probably looks just as much so, but it’s a hospital, what normal person shows up not frantic? “Um, hello I was told to check in up here. Lexa Woods for Clarke Griffin.”

“Oh, Sarah I got this one.” The girl on the other side of the room rolls in her chair across the small space and the other one named Sarah does the same, effectively switching sides with her. “Hello Lexa, I’m Costia, I’m Clarke’s nurse. It says on Clarke’s papers that you’re her girlfriend?”

“Ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh, well Clarke is currently unable to go through her own papers and make her own decisions right now and as emergency contact her wants and care still fall on your hands, I can’t tell you much about her condition but Dr. Kane is going to be here in a second after I call for him and he’ll fill you in on everything okay?” Costia, the nurse, types something on the computer and Lexa watches her a moment, processing her words and influx of information.

“Can you at least tell me if she’s alright or not?” Lexa hates how desperate she sounds but in a situation like this, she can’t imagine feeling anything else.

“I can tell you that she’s stable, but that’s about as much as I can say right now.” Costia looks at her and it’s that sympathetic look that didn’t travel with her calm words when she was over the phone. “Here you go.” Costia stands to place papers in front of Lexa on the desk. “I just need you to go through this, fill out anything missing and confirm that all the information that’s there is correct okay?” Costia doesn’t say anything until Lexa nods her understanding. “You can sit right over there, and I’ll contact Dr. Kane right away.”

“Okay.” Lexa says and she can hear herself and hear how small she sounds and if the situation were different she’d cringe, but she can barely blink past Clarke’s name on the papers she picking up and loads of information that she can’t confirm realistically if are still correct and other empty boxes she can’t be sure how to fill out as well.

She sits down with a flowery pen that Costia handed her and stares at Clarke’s full name on the top of the first paper for what feels like minutes. How could this be happening? Why didn’t Clarke change her emergency contact to maybe her current girlfriend? How does she even contact Clarke’s current girlfriend?

She isn’t even sure she can handle that right now.

She shudders feeling cold in a bleak looking location and shakes her head to try and force her brain to focus. She goes through information like phone number and home address pretty fast because she can’t really confirm if they’ve changed or not, so all she can do is leave them alone and ask Clarke about it when she’s able to… _if_ she’s able too.

She shakes that thought off as well and speeds through information she probably should have spent the past year forgetting. It’s not that she didn’t try to forget but Clarke is impossible to erase. Lexa isn’t sure she can even understand the concept of living without Clarke at least existing in the same world as her.

Her hands shake as she speeds through paperwork. Anything to keep her brain busy so she focuses on words more than she has too. Most of Clarke’s information she knows by heart like medicinal allergies and illnesses in family history. So much of it she had learned through years of dating that the papers in front of her became too easy.

It hurt that they were easy, and it hurt that she finished them before Dr. Kane had even arrived, to leave her sitting quietly after returning the papers to the nurse. Sitting quietly she doesn’t know what to do with because her brain certainly isn’t being quiet. Her leg bounces as she waits, and she tries to convince herself that everything is going to be alright but the longer she’s here the colder she gets and the less hopeful she becomes.

She hasn’t even heard anything yet.

“Lexa.” Kane says with familiarity and she can’t stop herself from immediately hopping to her feet.

“Ka- Dr. Kane.” She swallows formerly.

“She’s okay.” He says immediately as he waves with his hand for her to follow him.

She does, releasing a quiet breath. “She’s stable but she came in with a head injury and hasn’t woken up.” He pauses a second before meeting Lexa’s eyes. “She could not wake up.” He says it as professionally as he can but something in his voice cracks.

“How is that okay?” Lexa mutters quietly and Kane stops right outside of her door.

“It’s a very low chance that she won’t wake up, head injuries can be unpredictable, and we won’t know the true extent of it until she does become conscious again.” He has his own hands in his white doctor coat pockets and Lexa finds herself briefly wondering if his are shaking as much as her own.

“What happened?” She asks almost too quietly, finding it harder to meet Kane’s eyes.

“We’re not entirely sure, a pretty bad wreck. I don’t quite know the details, but she came in very early this morning and has been in emergency surgery most of the day. She’s stable now and she should recover fully when she wakes up but like I said there are still things we don’t know.”

Lexa nods, swallowing down feelings she can’t get rid of. “I’m glad you’re her doctor.”

“They almost wouldn’t let me do it.” Kane smiles at her sadly. “But I convinced them. She’s… she looks beat up Lexa, just so your prepared for that.”

“Okay.” She responds shakily and Kane opens the door. She follows in behind him and feels her chest tighten as she looks at Clarke, quite frail in her bed. There’s a tube in her mouth and it all looks quite complicated and scary and Lexa knows she is staring at her wide eyed as she swallows the forming lump in her throat.

“She’s okay.” He repeats and she knows she must be showing a lot more emotion than she generally likes to do.

Clarke is still clearly identifiable, however. For someone who has just been in a wreck she still looks… _beautiful_ and that’s something else that makes it harder for Lexa to swallow past the lump in her throat. This should not be how she’s seeing her again for the first time in months.

“Can you guess when she might wake up if she does?” She clears her throat because it keeps cracking along syllables, but she doubts anything will stop that from happening right now.

“It could be a few hours, or a few days, weeks.” Kane sighs. “The most important thing is that she is okay. But because we can’t be sure when she’ll wake that leaves any important medical decision and life decisions as well, up to you.” He gives her a sympathetic look, one not specific to a doctor but someone she’s known for quite a few years and is feeling this situation as well.

“Have you called her girlfriend?”

“No Lexa. She’s not on any paperwork.” Kane sighs and looks at Clarke for a long moment. “She has to have another surgery on her leg, but because she’s is stable. it’s not an emergency one so we would need you to sign off on it.”

“What’s it for?” Lexa asks standing up straighter. If she’s going to be this for Clarke, she’s going to have to take this role seriously. It’s Clarke’s life, literally in her hands and in any doctors’ hands.

“Repairing, it’s broken in three spots but her knee,” He clears his throat. “She tore a ligament, common in car accidents.” He sighs and checks over her chart. “When she wakes up, we’ll have to discuss rehabilitation for the leg, but she should recover from that too.”

“Are doctors supposed to say when or if?”

He chuckles. “That depends on the doctor Lexa.”

***

Lexa finds the beeping of the machine irritating rather than comforting. Clarke’s not moving a single inch and sitting here alone with her, staring at her isn’t going to help. Well… really, she can’t do anything that can help. All she can do is stare and hope that Clarke wakes up and try to take care of her however she’d want to be taken care of.

She wonders if Clarke even still trusts her opinion on these things. She doesn’t really have a choice now, and she didn’t change her emergency contact, but it’s still a question that sits uncomfortably at the forefront of her brain. It’s an easier question to ask than the other ones that pile on at the fact that Clarke has changed nothing on her paperwork.

“This is not how I wanted to see you again.” She tells her, almost stern, almost scolding. “How am I supposed to be uncomfortable and awkward around you if you’re trying to die. It’s an unfair way of getting out of whatever conversations we’re supposed to have.” She scolds further because talking to her is a bit more comforting than listening to the beeping of her machine.

“You have to wake up, you’re not allowed to not wake up.” Lexa mumbles softly and very gently brushes messy hair aside from her face. She can see her vision blur slightly and she swallows the emotion down, shaking her head and stands so that she can remove herself from Clarke’s bedside as to control herself better.

She shouldn’t be here alone, there are other people to call. So, Lexa pulls out her phone to busy herself with doing that rather than staring at an unmoving Clarke. Anya picks up the phone after two rings and she only reasons that perhaps controlling her emotions isn’t going to be so easy around someone she’s this close too when Anya says, “Hey what’s up?”

Her vision blurs immediately at the sound of her voice. “I’m at the hospital.” Lexa says by way of an explanation and it’s not exactly how she thinks she should have started it but her mouth is moving before she is really thinking, which is quite unusual for her but Clarke and anything to do with Clarke has always caused this unique reaction.

“What, why, are you alright?” She can hear Anya shuffling around, Raven’s curious “what’s wrong?” in the background muffled by the distance and static of a phone speaker.

“I’m…” Lexa swallows. “Fine, it’s Clarke.”

“Clarke?” Anya sounds surprised at that. Lexa’s surprised too, but she can’t really feel that emotion past the anxiety and dread of Clarke’s current situation. She just wipes the back of her hand across her cheek to try and make her tears go away.

“What’s wrong with Clarke?” Raven in the background again and then Anya shushing her so she can listen to Lexa.

“I don’t.” Lexa’s hands begin to shake again so she stuffs the free one into her pocket. “The hospital called and said Clarke was in an accident and now she’s not… conscious and I’m supposed to make decisions I-”

“Alright slow down, are you at the big hospital, downtown? What floor?”

“The third one.” Lexa says shakily.

“We’ll be right there okay?”

“Okay.” Lexa responds and she knows she sounds small.

“What’s wrong with Clarke?” She hears Raven say before the line cuts off and Lexa slowly brings her phone away from her ear and stares out of the hospital window in Clarke’s room. The sky is black and clear and everything up there looks peaceful, not an ounce of it resembles the turmoil of this situation.

It takes Anya thirty minutes to get to the hospital, and five more before she can get past the front desk and into Clarke’s room. She isn’t sure that Anya is actually allowed to be here at this hour, but she must have done something, said something that allowed the nurse to let them pass. “Lex,” Anya says immediately, crossing the small space of the hospital room to wrap Lexa up in her arms, a gesture not often shared among the pair.

Lexa feels incredibly weak the moment Anya wraps her arms around her. “It’s going to be okay.” Anya says softly and Lexa cries because she can’t really keep stopping it. “Have you seen her doctor yet?” Anya asks but doesn’t let her go, just mumbles in her ear.

“He said she might not wake up.”

“Alright.” Anya says softly. She backs up from hugging Lexa and looks at her face, brushes tears away that Lexa would be fighting if anyone else was standing in front of her. “What else did he say?”

“She’s stable, she needs surgery on her leg though.”

“So, she’s probably going to wake up.” Anya says reassuringly and all Lexa can do is nod.

“Did you call her girlfriend?” Raven asks quietly, staring wide eyed at Clarke, a similar way that Lexa had when she first saw her lying there.

She swallows as Clarke’s girlfriend re-enters her brain, as unpleasantly as she had before. “I wouldn’t know how too.” She says honestly. Swallowing past the lump in her throat again and sniffling.

“Okay, don’t worry I’ll take care of it.” Raven gives her a sympathetic smile and pulls her phone from her pocket, turning to exit the room as she’s pressing her fingers to the screen and putting it to her ear. Lexa watches after her helplessly.

She can’t imagine a world where meeting Clarke’s girlfriend is not going to be uncomfortable. “When did they call you?’

“A few hours ago.” Lexa wraps her arms around herself. “I thought she would have changed her emergency contact by now.”

“I’m not surprised she didn’t.” Anya mumbles, looking at Clarke for the first time, expression shifting from comforting to worried herself before she quickly dispels it in hopes that Lexa doesn’t see, but she does. “Clarke’s girlfriend certainly isn’t qualified for that kind of responsibility.” She says with a slight amount of edge to her tone.

Lexa’s brows furrow. “You don’t like her?”

“Let me put it this way.” Anya sighs heavily. “She’ll probably make some excuse to not come here right away, and then later when Clarke has woken, will attempt to fight with her about inconveniencing her by almost dying.” She rolls her eyes before softening her look when she meets Lexa’s eyes again.

“That doesn’t sound like the kind of person Clarke would go for.” She says quietly because realistically it isn’t. As much as she doesn’t like that Clarke has a new girlfriend, she never imagined her new girlfriend to be someone that wouldn’t be likeable as a person in some sort of way.

Anya scoffs. “She’s the exact opposite of you.” She rubs her hands down her face and approaches Clarke. “She’s an idiot.” She says gently, almost affectionately, worry becoming clearly evident again and Lexa can’t blame her for showing it.

“Kane is her doctor.” Lexa attempts to change the subject slightly, unwilling to think about it much further. Now just isn’t the time and thinking about Clarke with someone else, let alone thinking about her seeking out someone so actively different from Lexa is not going to help anything right now.

“That’s good. She hasn’t spoken to him since you left.”

“That’s not surprising, I used to push her to do so in the first place.” Lexa sighs and steps up next to Anya, her fingers itch to touch Clarke’s hand, find someway to comfort her into opening her eyes but she doesn’t. Instead she just stuffs them in her pockets again.

“She doesn’t really talk to Raven anymore either.” Anya says and her tone is sad rather than overprotective like it normally is when it comes to Raven. But that’s because it’s Clarke and Anya can be just as protective of her as well.

“Why?” Lexa asks incredulously.

“Raven doesn’t really know. She just stopped picking up calls and stopped answering texts, stopped letting anyone in or be there for her. No one knows why Lexa, least of all you.”

She’s about to ask something else but doesn’t bother as Raven enters back into the room, stress clear on the features of her face. “She’ll be here in a few hours. Said she’s holed up at work.”

Anya snickers and gives Lexa a look who can’t help but smile slightly. “Not even surprised.” She answers her fiancé and lets Raven take her hand as she joins them by Clarke’s bedside.

***

She’s practically falling asleep in a chair by Clarke’s bed, Raven already is asleep on Anya’s shoulder on a couch by the window. She is maybe seconds from slumping down further when the door to the room opens and she shooting her eyes open again, because if it’s Kane she has to be up.

But it’s not Kane and Lexa finds herself quickly wishing it was when she meets eyes with her ex-girlfriend’s current girlfriend, who doesn’t look too pleased to be seeing her, despite having never met her before.

She’s pretty, Lexa can tell that, but she doesn’t look anything like her. Lexa had always kind of bitterly hoped she would, in someway wished Clarke would still be seeking her out in faces like she’s been doing for the past year, but clearly that’s not the case. The woman that enters the room is a stark contrast to anything she is.

“Hi.” She says quietly as she approaches Clarke’s bedside. She’s quiet, maybe to be considerate to the sleeping Raven on Anya’s shoulder and Lexa swallows any feelings of jealousy she could have because now really isn’t the time for such a situation.

It’s not this woman’s fault Clarke didn’t want her anymore and it’s not her fault they’re both here. “Hi, I’m Lexa.” She greets in what she hopes is a semi-friendly way.

“I know.” The woman chuckles slightly before looking away from her and down at Clarke. “They weren’t going to let me in.” She says, sounding hurt as she takes Clarke’s limp hand in her own.

“The doctor says she’s stable and could wake up at any time.” _Or couldn’t_. But she doesn’t say that part, offering up what she hopes is comforting information instead in this kind of situation.

The woman looks at her before extending her hand over Clarke. “I’m Niylah.” She says quietly and Lexa shakes her hand steadily, too steadily for how tired she is.

“I’m sorry we’re meeting like this.” Lexa says with a brief barely-there smile.

“I’m sorry you have to be burdened by this, I heard you just moved back. I’m sure you have a lot to do.” She doesn’t like the way Niylah says it or the way she’s looking at her when she says it. Her tone says friendly, but everything else says something else entirely.

If this were a normal situation, Lexa probably wouldn’t be acting much different. But now isn’t the time to squabble over an unconscious Clarke with someone she barely knows and has never met before. So, she’s still going for polite. “I just hope she’s going to be okay.” She stands from her chair. “I’ll leave you alone with her for a bit.”

“Thank you, I appreciate that.” Niylah offers in a semi-polite tone.

Anya is quietly watching them and gives Lexa a supportive look as she goes to leave. “You can’t leave though right Lex, because you have to make the decisions?” Anya says purposefully so Niylah hears her, that’s what it seems like anyway.

Anya’s louder tone stirs Raven who blinks her eyes open and yawns, moving from the couch to go to Niylah and greet her. “Right.” Lexa answers around the lump in her throat and exits the room, breathing deeply as she walks carefully down the hallway.

“Off to get some coffee?” Costia is quick to greet her as she’s passing the front desk.

Lexa runs a hand through her hair and finds herself admiring how this woman can look so upbeat and ready at 2 A.M. “Sure, where is it?”

“We have a machine down that way, just a small waiting area.” She points in the direction with her hand and Lexa watches her a moment before she nods her understanding.

“Thank you.”

“If you need anything, just ask.” Costia provides a much friendlier atmosphere, brighter in a time that’s feeling quite hopeless.

So, Lexa gives her the best smile she can muster before continuing her journey to the pointed area.

She doesn’t wait in that area, feeling too faraway from Clarke and takes her coffee to sit in the same chair she had initially waited and filled out Clarke’s papers in. Costia smiles at her carefully as she’s passing before disappearing into a patient’s room and Lexa watches her until she’s out of sight.

She tries not to think about Clarke, still lying practically lifeless in her bed, her limp hand being held by her girlfriend. “Hey,” She jumps slightly but relaxes as Anya takes a seat next to her. “You alright?”

“No.” She says quietly and fiddles with the edge of her cup. “What if she doesn’t wake up?” She asks a question that Anya definitely doesn’t have the answer too, but she can’t help asking it anyway. It’s practically the only thing running through her mind.

She can’t imagine a life after that.

“She’ll wake up. She’s not done ignoring everyone yet.” Anya smiles slightly and Lexa rubs her eyes.

“I have no idea what I’m supposed to say to her girlfriend.” Lexa snorts slightly even though she definitely finds nothing in this situation amusing.

“Nothing, she deserves it.” Anya huffs.

Lexa can’t help but chuckle slightly. “You know that’s not fair.”

“I think it’s fair.”

“I wish I could just hand this off to her.”

“Even if you could, you wouldn’t, and you know it.”

“Yeah… I do.” Lexa huffs as well and leans back in her chair.

“She’s going to wake up, Clarke’s a fighter. She fights everything, even the things that are good for her.” Anya grabs Lexa’s coffee she’s not really drinking and takes a sip of it. “And she needs you, even after she wakes up and gets better, she’ll still need you and that’s why she didn’t change it. She knows that, even if she’s always fighting it.”

“She doesn’t want me. She probably wouldn’t want me here.”

“I think she would.” Anya stands up. “Now let’s go back in there and annoy her girlfriend by talking about Clarke memories she never took part in.” She offers her hand to Lexa and it makes her smile, so she takes it.

She won’t feel this pressure lift off her chest until Clarke wakes, but at least Anya is here to help her through it. Until Clarke wakes, she has to put aside any of her own feelings, her own questions and do what’s best for her. She can feel later, after Clarke is better and pissing her off. She won’t breath again until that happens.


	2. Chapter II

Lexa assumed that the longer she was here the less anxious she would grow. That she’d become more patient and capable of handling her feelings in a more reasonable capacity. Well… she was wrong about that. The longer she was here the more anxious she became and the more anxious she became the more agitated.

It’s not really fair, she shouldn’t want to punch Clarke’s girlfriend in the face for being upset that she isn’t getting a say in anything concerning Clarke’s health or paperwork. It’s reasonable for her to be distressed by the situation, this is her girlfriend. Lexa is sure that if the situation were reversed, she’d find it incredibly difficult, maybe she would be just as upset.

However, she could be a little more tolerable about her distress as it’s not Lexa’s fault that this is happening, and right now, Lexa was getting the brunt end of her attitude. “They haven’t even seen each other for a year, don’t you think I would know better how to fill this stuff out.”

Kane is careful not to sigh, though he looks like he’s going too. “I understand that the situation is difficult, but we have to follow what’s on the paperwork. We have no choice.” Not for the first time does Lexa wonder if it wasn’t a requirement how different things would be going… if she would even know that Clarke was here, if Niylah would have bothered to call anyone that would call Lexa.

If Anya is right about her, then she already has the answer to that question.

“I’ve known Clarke for a very long time, I’m not going to make any decision that I would think is against what she would want. A year apart doesn’t change how well I know her.” And she really doesn’t mean for it to sound possessive in anyway, she’s just trying to be reasonable since Niylah isn’t.

“Oh, but I would make bad decision for her right?’ She chokes around a snarl so the bite isn’t as aggressive as she may have been going for. She just sounds frustrated, which Lexa can understand even if she’s getting more and more annoyed.

“That’s not-” _what I said._

“Niylah I understand your frustration, but since Clarke didn’t change her emergency contacts, Lexa is the only one that can legally make these decisions. It’s not her fault.” Lexa signs the last bit she’s meant to and hands it back to Kane as Niylah watches almost helplessly. She follows the exchange of the papers like it’s Clarke herself.

If Lexa were nicer, she thinks she’d better communicate with Niylah about the decisions she’s making, but this situation is too much as it is. She just doesn’t have that much energy or patience, and Niylah certainly doesn’t make talking to her easy. “Will you at least talk to me about what’s happening?” She looks at Kane almost desperately and Lexa chooses to stay quiet.

“Of course.” Kane says calmly. Lexa can’t tell how he feels toward Niylah at all, he’s far too professional to give anything away. “We’re just having Lexa sign off on allowing us to do surgery on Clarke’s leg because it needs repairing. It’s safe and may take awhile but Clarke should be just fine.” He’s using his doctor tone even though Lexa has a hard time distinguishing between that and his normal tone, she can tell when he’s not talking at her.

Niylah nods, wrapping her arms around herself carefully, protectively. “Lexa,” She says swallowing past whatever emotions she’s feeling that Lexa can’t identify. “You’ll call me when she’s out of surgery? I have to get back to work but I have to know what’s going on.” She must sincerely care about Clarke, at least that looks apparent. Does Lexa like her? Not really, but how she feels just doesn’t matter, especially in a place and a situation like this one.

Lexa swallows and nods her head watching as Niylah pulls her phone from her pocket and passes it to her to add her number. She does, carefully before handing it back. If the circumstances were different, she would have never done that. But she knows that it’s only right. Niylah is clearly just upset and though it’s not Lexa’s fault that she’s making all the decisions, it is up to her how she will handle it.

She’s not going to be unfair to Niylah even if she’s been eyeing her weirdly and making her feel far too uncomfortable this entire time. “Thank you.” Niylah mumbles as she’s stuffing her phone back in her pocket. Lexa watches her face as grips Clarke’s hand carefully and something stirs quietly in Lexa’s own chest that makes her look away. “I’ll be back.” She mumbles to a sleeping Clarke before she leaves.

Lexa doesn’t watch her go, just moves to the window in Clarke’s room and looks out of it again, conflict pressing heavier down on her chest. She had left before she ever had to see Clarke with someone else. She still expected to run into, and she knew Clarke was seeing someone new. She was preparing herself for it as soon as she moved back. But she hadn’t expected things to be like this.

Things are weird, and when Clarke wakes up, because she has too, they aren’t really going to get better. They’re just going to get stranger.

***

She likes it even less being in Clarke’s empty hospital room. She can hear everything else going on in the hospital and horns on the streets outside. The sun is rising, and she hasn’t slept and though Kane had insisted over and over again that everything would be fine, Lexa just can’t stop worrying. She’s probably overthinking every last thing she could since arriving here last night.

Niylah had sent her a message telling Lexa she wouldn’t be back until this afternoon and to update her as soon as possible about Clarke’s surgery and she hadn’t replied to it yet. She isn’t sure if she’s just supposed to say “ _okay_ ” or wait specifically until she has information to hand over. She isn’t sure how she’s supposed to handle any of this.

She hadn’t anticipated this being so complicated when they had decided on the paperwork being like this, on Clarke’s decisions being handed to her. But when they had made that decision there wasn’t supposed to be another girl that Clarke was sharing her life. Lexa hadn’t had any intentions of being an ex. Without Clarke here to stare at and talk too she’s thinking about that a lot more.

Everything is worse now that she can’t see her. She thought she’d relax a little bit knowing she’s with Kane, but she can’t stop her hands from shaking. She scrolls through things on her phone and paces and paces and paces until her feet start to hurt. She could be using this time to catch up on some much-needed sleep, but she couldn’t possibly rest with Clarke so far away from her.

It’s a few hours that she’s like that, practically jacked up on adrenaline by the time they’re rolling Clarke back into the room, still sound asleep. “She did well.” Kane offers in way of a greeting and gives Lexa a reassuring smile.

She can’t tell if it’s a doctor smile or a friend smile.

“She’s okay?” She asks dumbly because she can’t help herself and practically falls over her own feet to be beside Clarke again, checking her over as if they could have done something even more extreme with her than she had signed off on. She was in great care and Lexa still feels the need to double check as if she’s the doctor here.

“Yes, and when she wakes up, we can talk about rehabilitation for that leg. She should recover nicely Lexa.” She believes he’s using the comforting tone of a friend but she’s too distracted watching Clarke’s eyes move behind her closed eyelids to question it this time.

“I hope so.” She mumbles and wants to grab Clarke’s hand just to feel closer to her, but she doesn’t. She’s not Clarke’s girlfriend, she shouldn’t do stuff like that.

“Did you rest at all?” Kane asks, and this question she can tell isn’t as a doctor.

Lexa shakes her head and doesn’t meet his eyes, just stares after a sleeping Clarke, waiting for her to wake.

“You should try and get some sleep; I’ll get you a blanket.” He clears his throat slightly as he turns to leave, walking over to Clarke’s hospital room door.

“I don’t know if I can.” She says to him before he goes.

“I understand that.” Kane smiles sympathetically. “Sit next to her, maybe talk to her a little bit, you might find it easier to fall asleep that way.”

She nods her head as her only reply as he leaves and scoots the chair she had been almost resting in before beside Clarke’s bed again. She sits and takes the blanket Kane offers her upon his return. “Call if you need anything. I’m going to try and catch a few minutes as well.” He rubs his own eyes as if to emphasis his own exhaustion.

She offers Kane a weak smile and watches him leave the room before spreading the blanket in her lap and leaning slightly on Clarke’s bed as she watches her. “You’re going to wake up soon right?” She mumbles tiredly, watching Clarke’s eyes move behind closed eyelids again.

_Dreaming must be good right?_

She sighs and pulls her phone from her pocket to send a message to Anya and Raven before sending one to Niylah. She is prompted with a few questions about her recovery but doesn’t bother to answer them as she shoves it back into her pocket and looks at Clarke with probably the same amount of worry she’s had upon first arriving.

“I’m not going to go anywhere.” Lexa decides to promise, like Clarke can hear her, like she needs it. “I’ll stay right here, for days, but you got to wake up.” She touches Clarke’s arm gently, watches her fingers twitch and sighs slightly at the fact that these little movements are all she’s getting. “Do you want me to read to you? You used to like that.” She pulls up a library of novels on her phone. “What do you feel like? Not non-fiction I know.” She waves her off as if Clarke is listening before she settles on something simple in the fantasy genre. The only reason she still has fantasy books in her library is because of Clarke. She never read them on her own before.

Reading to Clarke is comforting and familiar, Lexa falls into it like it’s a security blanket, and falls asleep doing it.

***

A bad dream, that’s what she assumes as she sits up from the chair she’s been slumped in for who knows how long, realistically, probably not long at all. She can feel the exhaustion in just about every ounce of her body. Her phone slips from her lap and onto the floor at her sudden movement. Her heart is racing, and her right hand is being gripped tightly, unexpectedly as she’s first growing conscious again.

In a groggy state she looks over at her own hand to find what’s causing the pressure, for as tight as the hold it’s still pretty weak. It’s a single breath and then nothing at all when she realizes Clarke’s hand is laying on top of her own, tugging slightly. It takes only seconds for Lexa to become fully alert and meet Clarke’s eyes, full, blue, and very round.

_She looks terrified._

“Clarke.” She shoves the chair back from her and stands up to get closer to her. “Hey you’re okay.” She comforts immediately, she feels like she could cry with relief at seeing Clarke’s eyes open, but she won’t, not right now.

_She looks so scared._

Clarke blinks at her, still gripping her hand so tightly for someone who’s been unconscious for hours. “I’ll go get the doctor, don’t worry, everything’s okay, you’re safe.” She moves to leave and find Kane, that relief growing further in her chest that’s been tight for hours, but Clarke won’t let her hand go. She only grips tighter, or as tight as she can go, a small bit of tears slipping from the corner of her eyes and falling into her hair.

Lexa wipes them away gently, so gently that she’s sure she’s touching Clarke like she’s afraid of breaking her. “Okay, I’ll stay right here, I’ll call the nurse.” She presses the button on Clarke’s bed and doesn’t move away from her. Clarke is frightened, really frightened so Lexa doesn’t take her eyes off her own as Costia enters the room.

“ _Oh_ ,”

“She doesn’t want me to leave, can you get Dr. Kane please?” She asks as she still doesn’t look away from her, Clarke seems much calmer as they keep eye contact, her grip loosening only slightly but not enough for Lexa to know she can let go.

“Of course, I can also help.” Costia smiles at her comfortingly, pages for Kane and goes to work on checking some of Clarke’s vitals. She has a really reassuring presences, offering Clarke warmth and support and informing her where she is and why she’s there and that she’s safe.

Kane is there quickly after Costia pages him and his smile at seeing Clarke awake is more than just that of a doctor. He talks to Clarke as well in much the same voice as Costia had, checking to make sure that Clarke is responsive in every way and trying to make her as comfortable as he can for someone who just woke up from a terrible accident. He repeats a lot of what Costia has already said as she moves around him to check things and do things that Lexa can’t really keep up with Clarke’s eyes constantly seeking her own out. Every time someone speaks to her it’s only a few seconds that she’ll look at them before she’s looks back at her.

Lexa has never felt so much relief as she did in this moment.

Clarke still won’t let her hand go, even as they go through the process of removing the breathing tube from down her throat. Lexa promised a sleeping Clarke she wouldn’t go anywhere so she stays as close as she can and lets Clarke grip her hand like her life is in danger by this process. She doesn’t care that the more time that goes by the stronger Clarke’s grip seems to get.

She’ll let it hurt.

They do so many tests to check Clarke’s memory and when Kane asks her what happened Clarke chokes around a “I can’t remember.” She’s still scared too, so unsure of where she is and what’s going on no matter how many times Costia and Kane reassure her and explain her current situation. “I can’t remember.”

“That’s okay. That can happen, you were in a terrible accident and your memory could come back or it won’t.” Kane is calm with her and Clarke nods her understanding, but she looks so upset.

“I can only remember that I was in a hurry to do something really important, but I can’t remember what.” Clarke’s voice is rough, scratchy around where the breathing tube had been down her throat. She still hasn’t let Lexa’s hand go or even loosened her grip much, but Lexa still doesn’t say anything, just watches and listens.

“You might remember in time. Lexa here came as soon as we called and she’s been making decisions on your behalf, so you’ve been very safe. We want to do some scans, just to check on your head if that’s okay?”

“Yeah.” She responds roughly, eyes still wide and watery.

“I’ll be right back and so will Costia with some water and some medication to help with the pain your feeling, okay?”

“Okay.” Just as rough.

“I’m glad your awake Clarke.” He tells her gently and Clarke blinks back nodding her understanding before he leaves.

It’s in that moment, when they’re alone that Clarke looks down at their hands, since she hasn’t let go not even for a second. She then meets Lexa’s eyes and for awhile they just look at each other, an entire year since the last time they had done something like that. Lexa can only feel relief right now over any other conflicting emotions that occur at seeing Clarke again and being conscious in the same room.

“Do you like your welcome home party?” Clarke asks with a barely-there smile after silence has filled the room with them for a few minutes, and the comment is so Clarke that Lexa can’t help but return the small smile.

“That’s not funny.” She scolds lightly and watches Clarke let her hand go very hesitantly, almost like she doesn’t want to but must feel like she should.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” Clarke mumbles quietly, almost as if it’s to herself, as if she’s surprised by the mere possibility of ever seeing Lexa again even though she had to know she had moved back a few days ago.

“Of course, I’m here.” Lexa says almost defensively because of course she would be here. Even if she had gotten that call when she was half a world away, she would have still come.

“I don’t know how this happened.” Clarke tells her, eyes round again with fear.

“Hey,” Lexa grabs Clarke’s hand again, instinctively and ignores the urge to double-check herself and let go when Clarke looks down at the touch. “Don’t worry about that now, you are safe okay, and Kane says you’re going to fully recover.”

Clarke’s eyes move back up to her own. “Did he?”

She nods. “Yes, he had to tell me things.”

“Right.” Things grow silent for a moment and they’re sort of awkward but not as much as Lexa had been expecting for when she first woke up. Then again, she hadn’t imagined Clarke would seek her comfort so much. She almost imagined Clarke to wake up and have the energy to be mad at her for being here.

She still mostly just feels relief. “I’m really glad you’ve woken up.” She tells her honestly, her own voice cracking around the honesty so that her words sound more emotional than she had intended them too.

Clarke blinks at her, clearly hearing it. “How long have you been here?” She asks carefully.

Lexa licks her dry lips and looks away from her for a moment, down at her phone still on the floor. “Since last night when they called me.”

“Just you?” Clarke asks carefully, like she couldn’t bare anyone else having been there too.

Lexa shakes her head and looks back up. “I called Anya, and her and Raven came and then Raven…” Lexa clears her throat and let’s Clarke’s hand go. “called your girlfriend and she came later. She was really upset actually because they wouldn’t let her make any decisions.” Lexa could shiver at just relieving earlier discussions, Niylah’s unhelpful comments still swirling around in her head about how little she could help Clarke.

Maybe it’s starting to sit more unpleasantly with her now that Clarke is awake. “I didn’t change my papers.” Clarke says as if just coming to that conclusion.

Lexa chuckles despite everything else. “No, you didn’t.”

A silence extends between them for a while, that again is only slightly awkward. Barely so even, almost like they’ve sat quietly with each other so many times that even a year apart can’t entirely break the comfort they’ve built in moments like it. “Are they coming back?”

Lexa nods. “Yes, Anya and Raven will probably be here as soon as they can and Niylah said she’d be back this afternoon so she should be here in a few hours.”

“Oh,” Clarke frowns slightly but Lexa can’t be sure why. “Lexa.” She looks at her again, eyes rounder than normal, something significant in her expression that Lexa can’t be sure what means.

“Hmm?” She feels like she’s scared to hear whatever Clarke has to say.

Clarke swallows around the dryness in her throat and briefly Lexa is distracted with the wonder of what may be taking Costia so long with Clarke’s water. “I forgot something really important.”

Lexa furrows her eyebrows, though their eye contact doesn’t part. “How do you know it’s important if you forgot it?”

Clarke shakes her head and blinks at her a few seconds before answering roughly around her dry throat. “I can feel it.”

***

Anya and Raven come as soon as Lexa messages them that Clarke has woken up. She assumed Niylah would be last to arrive by her answering text of “okay, will be there after work.” She was in no place to judge, she knows nothing about it, but she figures Anya would judge her for it.

But despite that, they all arrive around the same time, three of them piling into the room almost at once. Clarke is sitting up in her bed pushing around hospital food Costia had brought her about ten minutes ago. She’s hardly eaten but Lexa doesn’t push her to do so, she imagines her appetite will resurface not long from now. Her and Lexa had been filling the space with small talk that goes no where and adds nothing to fill in the gap they’ve spent apart. Its surprised Lexa how easy it still was to talk about nothing with Clarke. She assumed that would be hard, but she also assumes that Clarke nearly dying maybe made that easier.

“Baby,” Niylah coos immediately in a way that makes Lexa want to throw up as she crosses the space between them to coddle Clarke in a way she had never liked when she was dating Lexa.

She’s going to start seeing the things that are different and she doesn’t know if she’s ready for that. “She hasn’t been up that long; Kane says we should be calm.” She directs the comment at Raven and Anya because she feels more comfortable sharing information with them, but Niylah seems to take this as a personal attack.

“You don’t know what she wants just because you used to date her.” It’s more blatant of a jab then any of her early comments which had been clouded by concern. This one is meant to be possessive and isolating and makes something in Lexa’s chest curl unpleasantly.

If she wasn’t such a nice person, she assumes she maybe would have punched her by now. “Niylah.” Clarke coughs around the croak in her throat and Niylah moves daggers away from Lexa to coddle Clarke more.

Lexa feels the irritation of watching them together climb up the back of her neck until she’s practically grinding her teeth together, and she assumes she’s not hiding her discomfort very well by the way Anya comes around Clarke’s bed to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Good to see you awake blondie.” She offers in the most comforting way she can manage.

“Clarke.” Raven’s eyes fill with tears a bit and in turn Clarke’s begun to water again. “How are you feeling?” She asks sniffling and gripping the end of Clarke’s bed.

“Like shit.” Clarke says with a slight chuckle and Raven returns a watery smile.

“I can imagine.”

“Do you remember anything?” Niylah asks and Clarke shakes her head.

“No, I don’t know anything.”

“Alright, let’s not overwhelm her.” Anya offers up instead of Lexa doing it, squeezing her shoulder to emphasis that she’s here to help her. “We’re just glad you’re okay.”

“Me too.” Clarke mumbles quietly and meets Lexa’s eyes in a moment that feels quite long and extend when they’re among so many other people. Perhaps it is long because Niylah grows more obnoxious with her touching to break Clarke’s gaze away from her own.

Lexa finds herself wondering what it was that was so important that Clarke had forgotten.

***

She can’t ignore her own stomach as she continues to watch Clarke push around her food. Niylah had tried to feed it to her but Clarke seemed to draw the line at that. She almost looks annoyed, but Lexa assumes Clarke is tired and with the pain killers she doubts she’s really alert.

She’s just happy Clarke is awake, but with everyone else in the room she assumes that it will be safe for her to go get some food so she stands up from her chair, still closest to Clarke’s bed and makes to head to the cafeteria.

Clarke grips her hand almost immediately. “Where are you-”

“Just to eat.” Lexa squeezes Clarke’s fingers in an attempt to comfort the worry growing across her face. “I’ll be right back I promise you.” She had promised Clarke while she was sleeping and it still sits between them, even if Clarke hadn’t been able to hear it then.

“Okay.” Clarke almost whispers and Lexa feels her heart lurch unhelpfully inside of her chest. Clarke still looks terrified, even as Kane has returned a few times and discussed everything with them, reassured her many times that she’s okay, she still looks so scared. It will probably take her a little while to not be and Lexa is okay with sticking around until she’s more comfortable.

“Let the girl eat, she’s been here for hours. I’ll take care of you now.” Niylah mumbles toward Clarke as her hand slowly lets Lexa’s go. It’s her eyes that don’t let go though, she feels them as she leaves, burning into her back as she carefully closes the door quietly behind her. She doesn’t think she can watch Niylah hang on Clarke much longer. It’s just a little too much when she’s hardly slept and hasn’t eaten.

“Hey there, going home?” Costia asks warmly as soon as she sees Lexa walking down the hall.

Lexa sighs. “No, I can’t yet, just hungry.”

“I can help with that. I’m just about to go get lunch, want to eat with me?” Costia’s smile isn’t too much, it hasn’t been whenever she offers it. It’s reassuring and relaxes Lexa who’s been feeling tense for hours. She’s sure it’s all apart of being good at her job but Lexa doesn’t mind that.

So, she offers up another half-hearted smile and nods her head. “Sure.”

“I know what days they serve the best food, and you happen to be in luck my friend.” Lexa chuckles and follows Costia down to the main floor where the cafeteria is located. They sit and eat and Costia asks Lexa how she’s doing, and Lexa finds herself offering up a little bit more than she would if she had, had any sleep.

Costia is a careful listener, and fairly nice so when Lexa gives her number to her she doesn’t feel awkward about it. In fact, she feels significantly lighter as she’s entering back into Clarke’s room, thankful to see Niylah has gone to the bathroom and Raven and Clarke are talking quietly with Raven sitting by her side on the bed.

“Welcome back.” Raven smiles warmly at her and Clarke’s blue eyes meet her own, something in them, a worry that only Lexa can seem to comfort.

“Thanks.” She takes her seat back by Clarke’s bed, scoots it closer and lets Clarke take her hand even if it’s probably weird for her to be doing that. Right now, it doesn’t have to be. Lexa had been the closest person to family Clarke has had for many years, right now she needed family more than anything.

“What are you guys talking about?” She asks and tries not to focus on Clarke’s grip.

“Clarke was just telling me what she remembers of that morning, apparently there was a list of crazy events.’ Raven makes a motion with her hands that Lexa watches because she can’t help following it.

She smiles just barely. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, you want to hear?” Clarke asks her carefully as if Lexa wouldn’t want to listen to her.

She smiles slightly. “Of course.” And as Clarke goes along, yawning through parts of the story, Lexa finds that there’s nothing more comforting than the sound of her voice. Not even Niylah can ruin it when she walks back in, eyeing Lexa with that same annoyed expression she’s growing used to because Clarke is holding her hand again.

**Author's Note:**

> Not updating presently.
> 
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